Mother, Not Martyr

Being a mother is certainly not easy. As Allah describes in the Quran, “His mother carried
him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years,”(13:14).
These weakness are often referred to as pregnancy, birthing and nursing. But that is just the
beginning.

Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking
dinner, disciplining and runing between work, picking kids up from school, and soccergames.
These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance
and perspective of herself.

When a women loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that duty of
a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own.
But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only
depletes a women, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her
family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”

As the prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with
charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? however, as
with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we
give to.

Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right. Motherhood is a journey that
allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them
stroger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to
Allah to nurture children into adulthood.

Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a
balaced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is
respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong
women.

Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah.
The responsibility of motherhood makes a women grow stronger physically, mentally and
spiritually because she is tasted in the areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around
her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time out losing herself.

A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more
balanced. Here are six ways mothers can find balace and stay focused in order to get through the
tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:

1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.”

Childhood will end one day and my “baby” changing daily and maturing into adults. Parenting is celebrating the
everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality
time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will
be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our
children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just
need to get through and move on to the next.

2. “I will take care of myself”

Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and
husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of
the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we will have
nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as
well as boosting our overall mood and energy.

Spending time exercising is not selfish, unneccessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in
order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also
vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our
children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives,
especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in
order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happeness will
manifest to our children and husband.

3. “I am not a perfect mother.”

Many Muslim mpthers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of
themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily
forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our inperfections. We must accept that
we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for
future challenges.

We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection.
We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do
everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on
the things that matter-our relationship with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes
won’t be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember
any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.

4. “I will make my marriage a priority.”

Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many
mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship
with their husband.

Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband
and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. alongside
parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is
also good for our mental health.
The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children,
especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving conection to our spouse so that we
can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and
married.

This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of frienship
and love through the trying times of parenthood.

It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the
lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend
outing as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.

5. “I will value my friendships.”

Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles
as mother and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stonger because these
relationship nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives.
Our girlfriends and sisters have a apecial place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill
or replace.

Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are
able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for
mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks
so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husands.

6. “I will prioritize family dinner.”

Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives is can
foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our
daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one
another.

Reseach has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more like to do
better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex.

Bringing everyone toggether daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the
tradition of food, conversation and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.