internal change An Internal Change

“This picture* was taken last year in March. I remember because it was a good day for several reasons. At that point, my life was at a high, but a false high. All the wrong things mattered to me; I couldn’t realize right from wrong. Blinded by feelings, I had given away my soul to the devil for momentary happiness. I thought this was where I belonged, but it turns out I was wrong. Since the events of this year (2011), I’ve come to realize that my life was just for the moment. All those feelings and people wouldn’t do me any good. After hitting rock bottom, I built myself again; this time, I leaned on Allah instead of people. I looked to the higher power to pick me up and put me where I belong. I don’t understand why I thought I was happy back then my life was so unfulfilled.

Today, I can honestly look at myself and admire the changes that have taken place inside of me. I would actually thank people for bringing me so down that I was forced to rise, out of the darkness, and into Allah’s guidance. If I’m lucky and I stay focused, I will be the person I strive to be. And with Allah’s help, I’ll find my way to the salvaged group of people, the believers, the maintainers of truth. InshAllah my life will only get better.”

That is what I wrote for my 30 day challenge on Facebook. I have to admit, it wasn’t the easiest thing to admit to 300 friends, or actually just the 10 or so that generally stalk me; but writing my thoughts down made my realizations stronger, more appealing. Although I have been having a hard time dealing with my emotions lately, something about the presence and security of Allah comforts me.

Being a teenager, I know tons of people my age, maybe a little younger, some a little older, lost in the world. They feel that their problems outweigh them by too much- they feel like they have no support. I know this feeling because I’ve felt it too. Yeah yeah, I know every individual’s experiences are different and all that stuff, but I also know that feelings bring humanity together; so I’ll repeat myself, I’ve been there, in that lost stage, the “I don’t know where I am” stage, the “I’m a messy teenager and I don’t know what to do” stage, and definitely the “I don’t have anyone that understands me” stage.

Personally, it took me a long LONG time to realize what I was missing. I had spent my life as a Muslim but studied the religion, on my own, so rarely. Listening to other people’s lectures and stories and studies didn’t cut it for me anymore. When I reached my breaking point, I looked up to Allah. It started with just talking to him, in my heart, late at night- when I would feel lonely; I had just lost one of my best friends (lost as in we decided to no longer be friends) and the other things in life weren’t looking so good either. The private late night conversations with Allah comforted my heart, I knew he listened and cared. The talks led to me reading Al Sahifah Al Sajjadiyyah Al-kamilah (The Pslams of Islam) by Imam Zain-ul-Abideen (as).  Reading his supplications started creating a change that led to more reading, praying, and finally, perhaps the most important, reading the translation of the Qur’an.

My point is- that the feeling of loneliness and despair disappeared once I let go of my worldly attachments. Once you realize that you can’t always have it you way but that as Muslims we have the best support we could possibly find and everlasting, unconditional love. People may throw you away, treat you like trash, put you down, call you a fatty, or an ugly face, but you have someone that would love me no matter what.

If your hearts aching, you might want to look away from the comfort of people, and look towards the comfort of God.

Surely, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (13:28)

And remember that whatever you’re going through is just for the time being. This life is so temporary; if you aren’t even sure of when your next breath will be, then why waste your time on things that won’t last? People come and go, but Allah is forever- and I don’t mean that in a cheesy, puny way.


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